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With our archives now 3,500+ articles deep, we\u2019ve decided to republish a classic piece each Sunday to help our newer readers discover some of the best, evergreen gems from the past. This article was originally published in November 2019.<\/i><\/p>\n
According to a survey cited by psychology professor Robert Emmons<\/a>, when parents were asked what they worried about most regarding their children, the majority didn\u2019t name drugs, sex, global warming, political crisis, or the economic future.<\/p>\n Instead, two-thirds of parents said their primary concern about their kids was their sense of entitlement.<\/p>\n They\u2019re right to worry. A sense of entitlement breeds a number of negative qualities: envy, resentment, selfishness, greed, petulant indignation, laziness, detachment, and a lack of resilience.<\/p>\n Entitlement can be caused in part by kids being given too much, too easily \u2014 being spoiled, without having to work for their largesse. Yet everyone knows poor kids who still feel entitled, and rich ones who don\u2019t.<\/p>\n The central factor in entitlement is thus not the amount of good stuff in a child\u2019s life, but his or her attitude<\/em> toward that stuff.<\/p>\n Entitlement is essentially ingratitude, and gratitude is thus its antidote. Where entitlement says, \u201cI\u2019m owed that,\u201d gratitude says, \u201cThe world doesn\u2019t owe me anything.\u201d Where entitlement says, \u201cI deserve this,\u201d gratitude says, \u201cEverything I get is a gift.\u201d<\/p>\n Whereas entitlement is the origin of many vices, gratitude, as Cicero said, is the greatest of virtues, because it is the fount of all the rest. The research-backed benefits of gratitude read like a laundry list of everything parents most desire for their children: in terms of physical health, it boosts the immune system and improves sleep; in terms of mental health, it bolsters resilience to stress and lowers depression; in terms of character, it strengthens the qualities of humility, compassion, forgiveness, and generosity, as well as feelings of closeness and connection to others. Humans who feel grateful, whether young or old, want to give back by being better people and supporting others. In a study done by Emmons<\/a>, the leading scientific expert on gratitude, he found that “kids who were more grateful than their peers at age ten were, by age fourteen, undertaking more community activities and were more socially integrated.”<\/p>\n The fortunate thing about gratitude is that it not only comes with all these benefits, it isn\u2019t, as we often think, just a feeling \u2014 something that spontaneously happens to<\/em> you. Rather, it is more like a skill, something you can intentionally practice, get better at<\/a> \u2014 and develop in your children. Today we\u2019ll take a look at how.<\/p>\n Emmons defines gratitude as having two parts: \u201c(1) affirming goodness in one\u2019s life and (2) recognizing that the sources of this goodness lie at least partially outside the self.\u201d The following methods of instilling gratitude in your kids work on both prongs of the equation.<\/p>\n This is the simplest of fundamentals, and a habit that sets a child up to have gratitude interwoven in all of their daily interactions for the rest of their lives. The connection between \u201cThank you\u201d and gratefulness is clear; \u201cPlease\u201d also works toward it by diminishing the demanding attitude which marks entitlement.<\/p>\n You should start prompting your kids to say \u201cPlease\u201d and \u201cThank you\u201d from an early age, though Emmons notes that “most children don’t manage to produce [these phrases] spontaneously until sometime between the ages of four and six.\u201d It may take hundreds of \u201cWhat do we say\u2019s?\u201d before they get the habit down themselves; just keep up the consistent nudges.<\/p>\n Kids are intrinsically egocentric creatures. They feel like the world revolves around them, and don\u2019t often think about the sacrifices which are made by those who create that world for them. Parents can help prompt their children to look beyond this narrow view and think more about things from the perspective of their \u201cbenefactors.\u201d<\/p>\n In a study done by Emmons, he found three techniques were effective in doing this: <\/p>\n Emmons\u2019 study found that giving kids any of these prompts resulted in their having feelings of greater happiness and being more likely to express gratitude to others.<\/p>\n Gratitude isn\u2019t just a feeling to be experienced<\/em>, but a moral virtue to be expressed<\/em>. Saying \u201cThank you\u201d is nice, but when someone does something from a distance and can\u2019t be thanked in person (e.g., Grandma sends a gift) or does something extra special for your child, a verbal thank you isn\u2019t sufficient and a written note is appropriate. Not only will its recipient appreciate knowing that their gesture\/gift was received and enjoyed, but the effect boomerangs back on the writer; studies show that both children and adults who pen thank you notes experience greater levels of happiness and gratitude.<\/p>\n Get your kid into the thank you note habit<\/a> as early as possible, tailoring your expectations for the form the note should take according to their age and cognitive\/writing abilities; here are some general suggestions:<\/p>\n Encourage your kids to write their thank you notes sooner after receiving a gift\/gesture, rather than later.<\/p>\n Nobody can truly be a self-made man, who\u2019s earned everything\u2019s he\u2019s got, as the very fact he exists is premised on the existence of his ancestors. His life has been built on the scaffolding of those who\u2019ve come before.<\/p>\n Teaching your kids that they\u2019re part of a story much larger than themselves can reduce their egocentrism and sense of entitlement, allowing them to see their lives as more of a gift. Perhaps that\u2019s why research<\/a> has shown that one of the best predictors of a child\u2019s emotional health and happiness is their ability to answer questions about their family history.<\/p>\n So share stories with your kids about their grandparents, great-grandparents, and on back. Talk about what you\u2019ve been learning about your family history from doing your own genealogical research<\/a>.<\/p>\n Part of why humans young and old are bad at gratitude is that our brains are wired for negativity. Positive moments slide off our minds like Teflon, while negative stuff sticks like Velcro.<\/p>\n To counteract this phenomenon, it\u2019s helpful (for parent and child alike), for Mom and Dad to encourage greater reflection on and absorption of the good things<\/a> \u2014 big and small \u2014 that happen in life. While taking a walk, you can say, \u201cWow! Let\u2019s stop for a moment and really look at this sunset. It\u2019s beautiful.\u201d While leaving Grandpa and Grandma\u2019s house, you can remind them, \u201cIsn\u2019t it nice your grandparents live close by? Some kids\u2019 grandparents live all the way across the country and they only get to see them a couple times per year.\u201d Prompt your kids to let positive moments soak into their brains a little more.<\/p>\n You can also move gratitude to the forefront of your children\u2019s minds by asking them to name something they\u2019re grateful for when they come home from school<\/a>, you\u2019re sitting around the dinner table<\/a>, or you\u2019re tucking them in at night.<\/p>\n Gratitude produces the feeling: \u201cIn light of all I have been given, how can I not give back?\u201d Invite your children into this feeling by involving them in acts of service. Work at a food bank together (kids can often pitch in starting around age 12); have them come with you to help clean up an elderly neighbor\u2019s yard; pick up trash together at a local park; have them help pick out toys (either new or gently used from their own collection) to donate to the toy drive; ask if they\u2019d like to contribute a little of their money to a charity. <\/p>\n In the survey cited at the start, of the parents who worried about their kids\u2019 sense of entitlement, 85% blamed themselves <\/em>for creating it.<\/p>\n Parents can combat rather than enable entitlement, by being an example of the grateful behavior they want to see in their children. In my podcast interview with Emmons<\/a>, he noted that one of the questions he\u2019s asked most is: \u201cHow can I get so-and-so to be more grateful?\u201d His answer?<\/p>\n \u201cYou become a role model for those people around you\u201d:<\/p>\n there are a few studies looking developmentally with parents and kids. They find that the best predictor of a child\u2019s gratitude is the mother\u2019s or the father\u2019s gratitude. Then, it\u2019s the expression of gratitude within the family, so becoming a role model, and then encouraging gratitude, reinforcing gratitude when you see it in your children are some of the best ways in which you can raise a grateful child.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Spouses\u2019 should thank each other for everything, even for the routine chores that are \u201cexpected\u201d of them; say \u201cThank you for making dinner,\u201d \u201cThank you for doing the dishes,\u201d \u201cThank you for taking out the trash,\u201d even when it happens every day; remember, no one inherently deserves anything; it\u2019s all a gift. Let your kids also overhear you thanking the waiter, the cashier, the flight attendant. Let them see you writing your own thank you notes.<\/p>\n Give credit and praise to others too. When celebrating a success, talk to your kids about the other people who helped make it happen: \u201cI\u2019m proud of this, but I couldn\u2019t have done it without ____!\u201d<\/p>\n If you want grateful kids, watch whether you yourself approach life with an attitude of getting what you\u2019re owed, or being delighted with what you\u2019re gifted. As Emmons observes, gratitude \u201cis more often caught than taught.\u201d<\/p>\n Be sure to listen to our podcast with Dr. Emmons<\/a> all about gratitude: <\/b><\/em><\/p>\nHow to Develop Gratitude in Your Kids<\/u><\/h2>\n
Prompt them to say \u201cPlease\u201d and \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/h2>\n
Prompt them to think outside themselves.<\/h2>\n
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Expect them to write thank you notes.<\/h2>\n
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Talk about their genealogy.<\/h2>\n
Encourage grateful contemplation.<\/h2>\n
Do service together. <\/h2>\n
Model grateful behavior.<\/h2>\n