{"id":184815,"date":"2024-11-19T11:52:39","date_gmt":"2024-11-19T17:52:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=184815"},"modified":"2024-11-19T11:52:39","modified_gmt":"2024-11-19T17:52:39","slug":"the-ancient-art-of-saying-no-plutarch-s-guide-to-breaking-free-from-people-pleasing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/social-skills\/the-ancient-art-of-saying-no-plutarch-s-guide-to-breaking-free-from-people-pleasing\/","title":{"rendered":"The Ancient Art of Saying No: Plutarch’s Guide to Breaking Free from People-Pleasing"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Illustration<\/p>\n

Ever feel like you can\u2019t say no? Like you\u2019re constantly doing things you don\u2019t want to to avoid letting others down or having them think less of you? You\u2019re not alone. Saying no to people\u2019s requests is something I\u2019ve had to work on throughout my adult life. I know a lot of other people who have trouble saying no, too.<\/p>\n

And it isn\u2019t just a modern problem.<\/p>\n

My recent interview with Alex Petkas about Plutarch\u2019s Lives<\/em><\/a> led me to revisit the ancient writer\u2019s Moralia <\/em><\/a>\u2014 a collection of essays about topics ranging from how to manage your anger to knowing if you\u2019re growing in virtue. Plutarch\u2019s got an essay in there on the issue of people-pleasing. The Greek word Plutarch used for people-pleasing was dys\u014dpia<\/em>, which is roughly translated to “the embarrassment that makes us grant unjustified requests.\u201d<\/p>\n

In today\u2019s article, we\u2019re going to take a look at what Plutarch said about dys\u014dpia <\/em>and his ancient-yet-still-relevant advice on how to overcome it.<\/p>\n

The People-Pleaser’s Paradox<\/u><\/h2>\n

Plutarch notes that excessive people-pleasing often comes from a good place. Courteous and conscientious people are the ones who typically struggle with dys\u014dpia<\/em>. Those who care about doing the right thing and about how they look in the eyes of others are capable of shame, and like other ancients, Plutarch thought shame could be a very healthy thing; shame was a virtue because it checked reckless and selfish behavior.<\/p>\n

But, Plutarch observes, someone can be too<\/em> sensitive to shame, and it is from this overweening sense of shame that people-pleasing arises. A person who struggles with dys\u014dpia <\/em>feels excessive shame for something they shouldn’t: saying no to annoying or unnecessary requests. Plutarch takes an Aristotelian approach to the virtue of shame: you should feel it at the right time, for the right reasons, and at the right intensity. Because dys\u014dpia <\/em>is an inappropriate experience of shame, Plutarch considered it a vice.<\/p>\n

The Real Cost of Never Saying No<\/u><\/h2>\n

Plutarch catalogs the price we pay when we succumb to dys\u014dpia<\/em>:<\/p>\n