{"id":41068,"date":"2022-06-18T19:18:03","date_gmt":"2022-06-19T00:18:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=41068"},"modified":"2023-09-16T12:58:13","modified_gmt":"2023-09-16T17:58:13","slug":"you-dont-have-to-be-your-dad-how-to-become-your-familys-transitional-character","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/fatherhood\/you-dont-have-to-be-your-dad-how-to-become-your-familys-transitional-character\/","title":{"rendered":"You Don’t Have to Be Your Dad: How to Become Your Family’s Transitional Character"},"content":{"rendered":"

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With our archives now 3,500+ articles deep, we\u2019ve decided to republish a classic piece each Sunday to help our newer readers discover some of the best, evergreen gems from the past. This article was originally published in June 2014.<\/i><\/p>\n

Throughout this year we\u2019ve been running a series on how to father with intentionality and create a positive family culture<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Whenever we\u2019ve written on this topic, we invariably get comments from some men who have decided to opt out of the marriage and kids route altogether. Often (though not always) the root of these commenters\u2019 decision to steer clear of family life is their own personal experience: they come from families where home was not a haven. Arguing, infidelity, a lack of love, and ultimately divorce are what these men know of family life. Maybe they were even abused as children by one of their parents. Why even get married or start a family if that\u2019s how it\u2019s going to be?<\/p>\n

And they have a point. The research<\/a> strongly suggests that marriage and divorce patterns get passed along from generation to generation. If you come from a family of divorce, your attitude about marriage is less likely to be positive, and if you do get married, the chances your marriage will end in divorce are statistically higher than for folks who come from intact families. Also, research<\/a> shows that people who were abused by their parents as children are much more likely to abuse their own children. It\u2019s sort of a fulfillment of the biblical idea that curses persist through many generations.<\/p>\n

But those studies only tell half the story.<\/p>\n

Other research suggests that you\u2019re not destined for the divorce courts and multiple Christmases just because you and\/or your spouse come from divorced families.<\/p>\n

In fact, the research shows that individuals can consciously choose to break the cycle of unhappy home life by becoming what marriage and family scholar Carlfred Broderick calls a \u201ctransitional character<\/strong>.\u201d A transitional character, according to Broderick, is:<\/p>\n

A person, who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage<\/strong>. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold<\/strong>. They refute the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that \u2018the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of children to the third and fourth generation.\u2019 Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives<\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I love the idea of being a transitional character \u2014 of forging a new, stronger link in your family lineage. Instead of being tethered to a string of weak links, you can proactively create a new chain and a new story for your family \u2014 one that\u2019s much more positive.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d argue that being a transitional character applies to more than just family stability. Even if you didn\u2019t come from a family of divorce, maybe you want to be more involved with your own kids than your dad was with you and your siblings. You don\u2019t want your life to mimic the song \u201cCat\u2019s in the Cradle.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n

Or maybe you have a family history filled with overweight and out-of-shape men who\u2019ve keeled over from a heart attack<\/a> at age 50. You can be a transitional character by leading your family into a life of health and fitness<\/a>, and sticking around to see your grandkids get married. If debt troubles have plagued your family for generations, be the first person that shifts your family history towards the path of financial responsibility.<\/p>\n

Being a transitional character means looking at any vice or problem that\u2019s been a common thread throughout your family history and deciding: \u201cIt stops with me<\/strong>.\u201d<\/p>\n

With that said, becoming a transitional character is often easier said than done. You\u2019re fighting against the stream of deeply ingrained patterns that you picked up in childhood and throughout your formative years. Becoming a transitional character requires you to completely transform how you see and respond to your world and environment. It\u2019s a difficult task fraught with missteps and backsliding.<\/p>\n

But it can be done.<\/p>\n

Below we provide some research-backed suggestions on how to forge a new chain in your family history by becoming a transitional character:<\/p>\n

1. See yourself as a transitional character.<\/h2>\n

The initial step in becoming a transitional character is simply to see yourself as one, and to make that mantle part of your identity. This first requires recognizing that you\u2019re part of a negative family story. It necessitates the humility to admit that without intentional, concerted effort on your part, there\u2019s a good chance you\u2019ll continue that negative narrative. We like to think of ourselves as capable of overcoming our parent\u2019s influence, but it\u2019s surprisingly hard. We often think we\u2019re nothing like them, only to see the old familial traits suddenly, and dishearteningly, emerge in us during certain periods of our lives. Certainly it\u2019s a truism of parenthood that you\u2019ll eventually catch yourself doing or saying the exact same thing to your own kid that your parents said or did to you. It\u2019s one of those moments of anagnorisis<\/em><\/a> when you realize, \u201cI\u2019m just like my father!\u201d<\/p>\n

Once your recognize the obstacles you have to surmount, mentally and emotionally anoint yourself as the transitional character in your family. Tell yourself that things will be different with you.<\/p>\n

2. Imagine your posterity.<\/h2>\n

To give yourself motivation on those days when you feel like being a transitional character is too much work, take five for a quick visualization exercise. First, imagine the negative effects you could pass down to your kids, and their kids, if you don\u2019t uphold this new set of standards. For example, if you come from a family where most everyone is obese, imagine your kids married and overweight, and your obese grandchildren wheezing as they try to play, being bullied for their size, and getting a diagnosis of childhood diabetes. Now wipe that disconcerting scene from your mind and instead imagine your grown children in another way: fit and happily looking on as their own healthy kids energetically romp around the backyard.<\/p>\n

When you get overwhelmed about the effort it takes to reverse negative familial patterns, take the time to think about the kind of life you want for your posterity. Will they be telling stories to their children and grandchildren about how just three generations ago divorce, poverty, obesity, and addiction were the family norm, but that it all changed with you?<\/p>\n

3. Marry someone from an intact family.<\/h2>\n

According to Brad Wilcox<\/a>, The Director the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, research shows that if you come from a broken home, your chances of divorce decline if you marry someone from an intact family. Someone whose parents are still married has likely picked up some positive habits for marriage and parenting. And by spending time with your in-laws after you get hitched, you\u2019ll also get to see a model of how an intact family operates.<\/p>\n

Now, I\u2019m not<\/em> suggesting that you make your potential spouse\u2019s broken family a deal breaker (you wouldn\u2019t want her to use the same standard on you!), but it\u2019s something to keep in mind as you date. If both you and your spouse come from families of divorce, recognize that you may have to work harder at building a strong marriage than couples where both partners, or even just one of them, come from intact families.<\/p>\n

4. Be intentional!<\/h2>\n

Remember, good families don\u2019t just happen!<\/a> Not even for folks who come from intact families. If you\u2019re serious about creating a positive family culture, you have to be intentional<\/em> about it. As social scientist Scott Stanley says in his book Fighting for Your Marriage<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>we either \u201cdecide or glide\u201d in our relationships and families<\/strong>. Gliding gets you in trouble; deciding takes you where you want to go. Following the path of least resistance is not enough \u2014 you have to be proactive!<\/p>\n

Work to put in place the family culture you\u2019ve always wanted by formulating a family mission statement<\/a>, establishing family traditions<\/a>, and making shared meals a priority<\/a>.<\/p>\n

5. Distance yourself from toxic relationships.<\/h2>\n

If creating a strong marriage and family is your goal, but your parents or friends love to sit around and carp about how horrible and dumb those institutions are, you might want to consider distancing yourself from those relationships. Distancing doesn\u2019t necessarily mean cutting these loved ones off completely. It just means being aware of the possible negative influence these gloom n\u2019 doomers can have on your own familial goals and establishing boundaries with them to limit that influence in your life.<\/p>\n

6. Surround yourself with positive examples.<\/h2>\n

Don\u2019t just limit the time you spend around negative folks \u2014 proactively seek out the company of those who have strong and happy marriages and families. Watch what they do in their homes and emulate their best practices. Share what you\u2019re struggling with and don\u2019t be afraid to ask for advice when you feel like you need it. Simply rub shoulders with happy couples and families whenever you can; you’ll be amazed by the amount of good, reorienting vibes you’ll absorb via relational osmosis. <\/p>\n

7. Hold fast to your goal by regularly reading things geared towards helping you become a better husband and father.<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s easy to have good goals \u2014 harder to keep them. We get busy and stressed and lose track of the direction we want to go and the men we want to become. We must regularly remind ourselves of these things by reading as much as we can on becoming better husbands and fathers and creating a positive family culture. We must then \u201chold fast\u201d to what we have learned<\/a> by frequently revisiting those books or articles. Becoming a transitional character (or a better man, period) is a never-ending process. We need to constantly remind ourselves of best practices so we can stay on track.<\/p>\n

Read the other posts in the series: <\/strong><\/p>\n