{"id":42511,"date":"2014-08-19T17:21:12","date_gmt":"2014-08-19T22:21:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=42511"},"modified":"2021-05-30T06:33:48","modified_gmt":"2021-05-30T11:33:48","slug":"why-you-should-parent-like-a-video-game","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/fatherhood\/why-you-should-parent-like-a-video-game\/","title":{"rendered":"Why You Should Parent Like a Video Game"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Parent<\/p>\n

From boyhood all the way through my college years I loved playing video games \u2013 many a night you could find me mashing the buttons on my controller as I worked my way through the levels of Super Mario Brothers and killed bad dudes in GoldenEye.<\/p>\n

These days, as a husband and father of two young kids, I don\u2019t have the time nor desire to plant my keister in front of the latest console. And yet there\u2019s an aspect of video games that\u2019s still a part of my day-to-day life. While I\u2019m no longer playing<\/em> a video game, I\u2019m living<\/em> one\u2026in the way I parent my children.<\/p>\n

Why You Should Parent Like a Video Game<\/span><\/h3>\n

Our oldest kid, Gus, will be four in October. One of the trickiest parts of parenting is figuring out how to get your kid to do stuff they\u2019re supposed to do and stop doing stuff that\u2019s annoying, i.e. temper tantrums, talking back, writing on the walls, etc. No one tells you that parenting is basically one giant psychological experiment in human motivation. Before Gus came along, Kate and I had only a vague idea of how we were going to handle our kids\u2019 misbehavior, but it wasn\u2019t very fleshed out, or, more importantly, field-tested (everybody knows exactly how to be an awesome parent\u2026before they have kids!).<\/p>\n

Everyone loves to give you advice about what you should and shouldn\u2019t do when it comes to parenting, and there are umpteen thousand books and blogs out there that this or that friend will rave about. But really, the principles of good parenting are pretty tried and true and generally agreed upon. The real trick is remembering to implement them when you\u2019re about ready to load your toddler into a cannon and shoot \u2018em to the moon.<\/p>\n

On that front, there is one metaphor that has helped Kate and I tremendously <\/em>in adopting positive practices: parent like a video game. I picked up this analogy from psychologist Howard Glasser<\/a>, who argues that the principles that govern the world of video games are also highly effective in getting your kids to behave.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s take a look at what those principles are and how to implement them into your parenting style:<\/p>\n

Establish Clear Rules<\/h3>\n

When you\u2019re playing a video game, you know that button A makes you punch, that touching a bad guy will kill you, and that you need a certain amount of XP before you can level up. Knowing the rules helps you operate confidently within the game\u2019s landscape.<\/p>\n

In the same way, make sure your kids know what the rules are in your family<\/strong>. A study done in 1967 by Stanley Coopersmith showed that parents who gave their kids the most rules and limits had children with the highest self-esteem, while those who gave the most freedom had kids with the lowest self-esteem. Kids want limits, and they\u2019re essential to healthy progress.<\/p>\n

Keep your rules clear and simple, just like in a video game: <\/strong>input A gets you output B. Every. Single. Time. <\/strong>Giving your child consistent limits, rewards, and discipline is one key in helping them develop an \u201cinternal locus of control.\u201d People with an internal locus of control believe that by doing A, they can get B — they see a correlation between action and consequences<\/strong> versus believing in blind luck or that the world is out to get them. Show your kids that good behavior leads to reward, bad behavior leads to punishment.<\/p>\n

Promise a reward for an accomplishment, and give it to your child if and only if they attain it. Set a rule and punishment, and if the rule is broken, follow through on the exact punishment promised. Consistent parenting ingrains these kinds of connections in your child\u2019s mind, and bolsters their confidence and resilience.<\/p>\n

When they do violate a rule, let them know that they did and begin the \u201creset\u201d:<\/p>\n

Issue Short, Consistent \u201cResets\u201d for Bad Behavior<\/h3>\n

\"Dad<\/p>\n

In Super Mario Bros., if Mario touches a Goomba<\/a>, he dies and has to start back from the beginning. There are no warnings or counting to three or bargaining with the Goomba about whether or not Mario dies. Mario doesn\u2019t get lectured about how he shouldn\u2019t touch unsuspecting Goombas, nor is he asked why he wasn\u2019t paying attention. Ultimately, Mario touched the Goomba, so he has to go back to the beginning. That\u2019s it \u2013 that\u2019s the rule.<\/p>\n

Moreover, Goombas stay dispassionate when dispensing their punishment. Sure, they always look grumpy (you\u2019d be grumpy too if you were a mushroom) but they don\u2019t get any grumpier when Mario dies. They just keep shuffling back and forth, pretty much like nothing happened.<\/p>\n

The consequence for touching a Goomba is also short-lived. Mario flies up into the air and that trademark \u201cMario Dies\u201d music plays. But then you\u2019re immediately playing again. You\u2019re not sent to some dungeon level where you have to watch Mario just stand in a prison cell for 10 minutes before you can jump back into the fray.<\/p>\n

The consequences for your kid\u2019s misbehavior should be similarly consistent, dispassionate, and swift. Glasser argues that when we engage in heated lecturing and angry cajoling after our kids mess up, we\u2019re just \u201crewarding\u201d them with our energy and attention — two things all children want from their parents. The form that attention takes isn\u2019t as important to them as the fact that they\u2019re getting it — period. As Glasser shrewdly observes, \u201cNo one would purposely give a child a hundred dollars for breaking a rule, but we inadvertently do it all the time by way of giving children the \u2018gift of us\u2019 as we are doling out the consequence.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead, when your kids break a rule, the consequence should kick in immediately without a bunch of preliminary back and forth and emotional hullabaloo. <\/strong>Don\u2019t give them a warning and don\u2019t negotiate with them. Just issue the consequence, be it a time-out or taking away screen time or adding a chore to their routine. Glasser argues that any consequence that temporarily takes away the kid\u2019s options and deprives them of your attention can be effective.<\/p>\n

When you deliver the consequence, do it dispassionately<\/em>.<\/strong> Don\u2019t get angry or raise your voice and start lecturing or ask why they\u2019d do such a thing. And never criticize their character (\u201cYou\u2019re so naughty!\u201d), but just their behavior (\u201cWe don\u2019t throw blocks in this house.\u201d). Making them feel as though their character is inherently flawed just induces passivity and hopelessness. Bad behavior, on the other hand, is temporary and something they can work to overcome. As neutrally and unemotionally as possible, simply say something like, \u201cUh oh, you\u2019re throwing a tantrum. You broke a rule. Go to your room to calm down and stay there until I get you.\u201d<\/p>\n

In addition to staying completely calm as you issue a consequence, remember to keep the punishments as consistent as possible in both their timing and severity<\/strong>. Remember, input A gets them output B. Every time they throw a block, you calmly send them to time-out. Don\u2019t let your mood dictate the punishment, so that when you\u2019re tired and don\u2019t want to deal with it you just let the infraction slide, and when you\u2019re irritated, you totally flip out on them. Every time they break a certain rule, they get the same dispassionate tone of response, and the same punishment. See? This is what happens when you touch a Goomba. <\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s also important to make the time-out, or \u201creset\u201d short, just like in video games.<\/strong> You don\u2019t want to sequester your kid in their room for twenty minutes only to have them throwing books from their shelves and rolling around on the ground screaming like a banshee the entire time. The purpose of the reset is to get kids to stop whatever inappropriate behavior they\u2019re doing and then get them back into \u201cgame play\u201d as soon as possible so that they can get positive reinforcement for behaving well. Time-outs don\u2019t work unless kids have rich time-ins<\/em>, which brings us to\u2026<\/p>\n

Create Rich and Rewarding Game Play<\/h3>\n

\"Dad<\/p>\n

In video games, it doesn\u2019t matter how much you die and get sent back to the beginning, you still want to keep playing because the game play is so stinking fun and rewarding. You\u2019re constantly getting feedback and rewards for accomplishing certain tasks. Stomp a Goomba, and you get 100 points; kill a bad guy in Final Fantasy, earn XP; beat a Big Boss in Zelda, get a piece of the Triforce. The video game is ready and waiting to reward you with coins, XP, or new weapons as soon as you do something that warrants them.<\/p>\n

Whenever we experience a reward in a video game, our brain gets hit with a bit of dopamine which 1) makes us feel good and 2) re-wires our brain to motivate us to keep on doing what we\u2019re doing. The way video games stimulate our dopamine production is part of what makes them so seemingly addicting. Resets in video games due to dying or not completing a level in time only make you more driven to get back into the game and get some more hits of that feel-good dopamine.<\/p>\n

Thus with kids, Glasser argues that the key to making time-outs work is that you have to make \u201ctime-in\u201d or \u201cgame play\u201d rich and rewarding by giving your kids positive energy and attention for the good stuff<\/em> they\u2019re doing (or the bad stuff they\u2019re not<\/em> doing).<\/strong> \u201cIf the child perceives there is nothing worth missing out on then what is the motivation for wanting to stay in the game?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n

Creating rich and rewarding game play for our tykes can be pretty hard. Unlike video games that are programmed to reward you anytime you do a certain task, us human dads lack the omnipresence to dole out praise for every good thing our kiddo does.<\/p>\n

The other thing that makes creating rich and rewarding game play difficult is that the simple act of showing appreciation is hard, especially when you\u2019re trying to praise your kids for bad behavior they\u2019ve managed to abstain from. Our minds are evolved with a negativity bias so that \u201cbad things\u201d sound alarms in our brains while \u201cgood things\u201d hardly register. So it takes intentional work to remember to point out and give praise to your toddler when he isn\u2019t<\/em> throwing a tantrum in the face of a potentially frustrating situation.<\/p>\n

But that effort pays off. Glasser and other researchers point out that positive feedback is more effective than negative feedback in teaching kids appropriate behavior.<\/strong> So as much as you can, aim to \u201ccatch\u201d your kids doing something good<\/strong>. Point out and praise even the most mundane actions. If your kid picks up her toys without asking, say something like, \u201cJill, that was great how you picked up your toys. It showed me how considerate you are and how much of a good helper you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just as importantly, point out and show appreciation when your tyke isn\u2019t doing something he shouldn\u2019t be doing.<\/strong> For example, if your kid usually throws a temper tantrum when you tell him it\u2019s time to go to bed, but this time he heads to his room without a peep, say, \u201cBrian, I appreciate how you started getting ready for bed as soon as I told you to. Way to stay calm, buddy.\u201d Ding! Your kid just stomped a Goomba.<\/p>\n

If he\u2019s sitting at church and keeping himself occupied quietly, say, \u201cSam, good job staying quiet and calm during church. I know it can be hard to do that sometimes.\u201d BAM! Your tyke just earned 1000XP and is on his way to leveling up to a well-adjusted adult.<\/p>\n

I know there\u2019s a current in our culture that says kids are over-praised and that this coddling turns them into entitled brats. There\u2019s some truth to that, but here\u2019s the key difference: With this parenting method, you\u2019re not<\/em> rewarding them for nothing, or just for being. You praise them for good, small, tangible things they actually<\/em> do. It doesn\u2019t turn them into spoiled turds; it creates a neural pathway where they keep wanting to do the right things again and again.<\/p>\n

Stay in the Moment<\/h3>\n

Video games don\u2019t hold grudges about past slip-ups nor do they sit around anticipating that you\u2019ll mess up in the future. Video games are present in the moment; every game is a fresh start in which the pitfalls to be avoided are exactly the same, and the player has exactly the same chance to earn rewards as he always does.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t hold a tantrum that your kid threw yesterday over his head today nor treat your kid like he\u2019s already committed a peccadillo even when he hasn\u2019t. Just keep doling out dispassionate resets and consistent rewards.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/h3>\n

Clear rules and consistent punishments bolster children\u2019s resiliency because they know exactly what to expect. Doing A will always get them B — for better and worse. They know they can choose their behavior, but they can\u2019t choose the invariable consequences. And positive reinforcement motivates them to more often choose good behavior over bad. This isn\u2019t groundbreaking advice, but the video game analogy has honestly proven amazingly effective in helping us both remember to implement these tried and true principles on a day-to-day basis. It\u2019s actually become somewhat of a game for us, <\/em>in seeing just how calm and composed we can remain while issuing consequences, and how often we can catch Gus doing something good.<\/p>\n

So far this parenting methodology seems to be working great. That\u2019s not to say that Gus is the paragon of a well-behaved child. He has his moments, but for the most part he\u2019s a really good kiddo. Our times hanging out are largely calm, enjoyable, and a lot of fun. Of course it\u2019s hubris to think that just because your kid is doing well now, he\u2019ll continue to stay on the right path as he grows up. No parent knows what will happen over time and I can\u2019t make any claims for this method\u2019s long-term efficacy. I can just say that for now this approach has been very effective for him, and it\u2019s given us an accessible, helpful framework for guiding our parenting decisions, instead of going at it willy nilly.<\/p>\n

So, when it comes to parenting, rather than harnessing your inner Dr. Spock, consider tapping into your inner Dr. Mario. Now if there was only a Konami Code for potty training\u2026.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From boyhood all the way through my college years I loved playing video games \u2013 many a night you could find me mashing the buttons on my controller as I worked my way through the levels of Super Mario Brothers and killed bad dudes in GoldenEye. These days, as a husband and father of two […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":42517,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":3,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[253,6,42285],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-42511","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fatherhood","category-featured","category-people"],"featured_image_urls":{"medium":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Video-Game-Header-2-900-236x123.jpg","large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Video-Game-Header-2-900-538x280.jpg","small":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Video-Game-Header-2-900-50x50.jpg","index-image":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Video-Game-Header-2-900-350x200.jpg","it-gallery-thumb":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Video-Game-Header-2-900-400x250.jpg","it-gallery-singular":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Video-Game-Header-2-900-300x250.jpg"},"yoast_head":"\nWhy You Should Parent Like a Video Game | The Art of Manliness<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Consistency is the name of the game when it comes to both video games and parenting. 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