{"id":96268,"date":"2018-09-06T13:25:45","date_gmt":"2018-09-06T18:25:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=96268"},"modified":"2021-05-29T16:00:40","modified_gmt":"2021-05-29T21:00:40","slug":"how-to-ask-better-questions-on-a-first-date","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/relationships\/how-to-ask-better-questions-on-a-first-date\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Ask Better Questions on a First Date"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Man<\/p>\n

Engaging in small talk with anyone can be a little nerve-racking \u2014 you\u2019re on an improv stage for two, and have to think of things to say on the fly, avoid awkward silences, and come off as at least moderately charming to boot.<\/p>\n

Engaging in small talk on a first date can be especially anxiety-ridden. While unspoken, you\u2019re being actively evaluated on your attractiveness (both in personality and looks). It\u2019s like a \u201cjob\u201d interview for the position of potential significant other. Ace it, and it could be the start of a lifelong love affair. Blow it, and you might never see that someone special again.<\/p>\n

No pressure, right?<\/p>\n

As an aid in being successful at this kind of high-stakes small talk, you can find plenty of lists out there which suggest good questions to ask someone on a first date.<\/p>\n

These lists tend to fall into two categories: basic, stock questions (\u201cWhere are you from?\u201d \u201cWhat do you do for fun?\u201d), and more unique, out-there questions (\u201cIf you could only bring 3 things with you on a desert island, what would they be?\u201d).<\/p>\n

The problem with the first set of questions is that they\u2019re boring; if someone is dating a lot, they get tired of being asked if they like their job and how many siblings they have. The problem with the second set, is that they can seem pretty random — and overly scripted — if you just drop them into conversation.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, it doesn\u2019t have to be an either-or equation. There\u2019s a better way to ask first date questions that incorporates both types of them.<\/p>\n

You do use the basic, stock questions — common though they are, they form a comforting ritual that puts people at ease. But, you use them as jumping off points, which allow you to segue into more interesting questions.<\/p>\n

This approach strikes a nice balance between seeming like you\u2019re trying too little, and coming off like you\u2019re trying too hard.<\/p>\n

You ask a standard stock question, and then act like your date\u2019s response to that question just naturally made you think of another semi-related, more unique one. Of course, you had the question in mind already, and that\u2019s okay. The paradox of being charming is that in order to act natural, you actually have to be well-prepared; it\u2019s not that people don\u2019t know on some level that your repertoire is somewhat \u201cscripted,\u201d it\u2019s just that if you execute it smoothly and engagingly enough, they don\u2019t care, and enjoy coming along for the ride.<\/p>\n

How to Ask Better First Date Questions With the Standard-Question \u2192 Interesting-Follow-Up Method <\/span><\/h3>\n

The beauty of the standard-question \u2192 interesting-follow-up approach is that it will take your first date conversations to places where you\u2019ll indirectly get to know a whole lot about the other person, without directly — and awkwardly — having to ask them, \u201cWhat is your deepest fear?\u201d or \u201cWhere do you see yourself in five years?\u201d<\/p>\n

While your questions should be thought-provoking, your partner should be able to answer them without missing too much of a beat; people feel dumb when they have to do the \u201cHmmm, boy, well, oooh, that\u2019s a tough one\u201d thing, and struggle to come up with a response. A good gauge of whether a question hits the sweet spot is simply to ask yourself the question, and see if you both enjoy thinking about it and can pretty readily imagine how you\u2019d respond.<\/p>\n

Also, remember that a conversation isn\u2019t an interrogation — you don\u2019t want to ask question after question without sharing anything about yourself. Your date will hopefully turn these questions back on you, and come up with ones of their own. If they don\u2019t, though, pepper in some commentary about your own life; research has shown that people who reveal more about themselves (while making such disclosures within appropriate guidelines<\/a>) are liked more than those who are more guarded. Of course, if your date is a conversational narcissist<\/a>, it\u2019s likely an ill omen of things to come.<\/p>\n

Finally, while the follow-up question doesn\u2019t have to exactly relate to the standard question you first forward, obviously the more closely it does relate, the more natural the segue will be. So choose a follow-up in the moment, based on what your date has said, and connect it to something she offered in her response.<\/p>\n

Standard Question: Where are you from originally?<\/h3>\n

Interesting Follow-Ups:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n